What Destroys A Marriage?

What Destroys A Marriage?


What is it that destroys a marriage?
Larry Bilotta is a relationship mechanic and he’s here with me today on Live on
Purpose TV. Folks, I’ve got Larry Bilotta with me today. Larry was a guest
on my podcast Live on Purpose radio and I found you Larry because of the amazing
work that you’re doing in the field of relationships and particularly marriage.
And you’re one of those guys that actually believes in it and have had
enough experience in your own life and as you’ve worked with your clients to
learn some things about it. You’ve identified… A lot to do with being
married 43 years for the same woman. Yes, most of which was just a completely
blissful experience for you right? No. That’s not how you described it to me
before. That’s right. It’s not. It was not a blissful experience. It was a
very very painful 27 years of marriage hell. It’s what it was. Yeah and when you
when you go to hell to learn you really learn a lot. Because you when you’re
learning, you’re learning pain and the pain keeps you motivated to keep on
learning and so that’s why going to hell is a really productive thing to do.
Going to college not so productive because it’s not hell. What made the hell
is Marsha and I are completely opposite people and we could leave each
other because of our programming for both. They’re both programmed to stay
married and miserable and that literally kept us together. But the 28th year, I
fell in love with her because I finally realized a bunch of things that I now
teach in my courses. That the pain is not there. The pain is in here and then and
when you finally realize, the pain is in here. It’s not out there,
that changes the landscape of the way you see marriage but that’s not the way
most people see. Most people see the pain is outside, I need to leave whatever’s
out there and go away. And that’s just not true. The pain is in here and you
take the pain to the next relationship that’s the reason why there’s you know
second and third and fourth marriages because going away it doesn’t solve the
problem. Right. So you that you stayed married and stayed
miserable that was your programming. I think part of what I’ve learned
from you Larry and as we’ve had our previous conversations is that you can
stay married. You don’t have to stay miserable. That’s right. You can stay
married and not stay miserable. The reason I stayed married and miserable for those 27
years is because I was programmed by a couple who stayed married and miserable.
And her parents stayed married and miserable. And I remember that that’s
a part of the the 50s and 60s value system to stay married, you stay unhappy
You stay married no matter what and so that’s how we were both programmed. So we
couldn’t get away the program held us in place. Really amazing power. Powerful
thing. That’s why when your parents divorced, you’re actually programmed to divorce
yourself. You run into a program. You’re doing your parents did. Right. That’s how
it works. It’s just what we’re programmed or conditioned to see is the solution I
guess. That’s right. And it’s built into you. It’s very unconscious and
subconscious. It’s all in the subconscious mind which ultimately runs
our lives. Our subconscious mind gets us to do everything we do. Our conscious
mind is what we use to tell the story of why we’re doing what we’re doing. It’s
not the reason. Our conscious mind is not the reason we’re doing what we’re doing. We
don’t consciously live. We live out our subconscious mind. We’re all our
instructions up and so that’s what programming is. Programming is the
instructions that are in the subconscious mind to cause you to do in
your current daily lives. So that’s the reason why marriages… they fall apart
because they’re programmed to fall apart. They’re programmed to… in fact we think
about simply I say this phrase to people and they’re very very difficult to hear
it if you’re not in the middle of a marriage problem but then our program to
treat their lives, the way their fathers treated their mothers in the first 10
years. Hmm… So that’s very hard for a man to hear. Very hard for a woman in here is
women are programmed to treat their husbands the way their mothers treated
and fathers in the first 10 years. Now people like to forget about their past.
I’ve talked to lots of couples that don’t even remember their past and when
they marry, they don’t even talk about the past as if it didn’t exist but what
they don’t realize is the instructions or the first 10 years are recorded. Just
like we recorded vinyl record. It’s recorded. The imprint is there. It’s put in
conscious mind and still there today. It’s still operating. Still running and it’s
still going to turn on and run your life if you don’t become aware that it’s
there. So that’s why it’s so important to talk about your first ten years. Like
what happened to me and why did it happen to me. You got
to share that and if you’re in a mirror and you got to talk about it and
most of the couple’s I talk to over the years, they’ve never thought childhood
was anything. They just thought it was a past memory. It is not. It is a recording
and it is alive. Real-time set of instructions that are running your adult
life today and boy, it’s hard to hear that. Wow! It’s hard. I see why you might
get some resistance for that. It’s an intensive training program that we go
through and might not even notice that we’ve been through it. You said subconscious.
Right. It’s below our awareness that this has happened. You’re saying it has a very
profound impact on how we’re operating in our relationships right now, today. So
I have an analogy. I call the “marriage tornado” and there’s the top of
the tornado to spin slowly and you think we really don’t have a marriage problem.
It’s not really that bad and then the tornado tightens up in the middle and
now the problems are getting to be more severe but you think it’s just a phase
he or she is going through and you think well it’s going to go away. Well those
are all wrong interpretations because the bottom of the tornado is a fastest
spin the most destructive spin and that’s the place where the the chaos of
childhood really comes for you, comes for the marriage. And it really takes out
with the weakest person of the couple. The weakest person is the one who has
the instructions that when you’re having troubles run away and so whoever is the
runaway instruction person that’s a person who leaves first. If it’s a man,
man leaves first. If it’s a woman, woman leaves first. And what that leaves
is the stayer. The stayer stays, believer leaves. And who are the leavers? The leavers
are people who are programmed to leave. And the people who stay are the people
who believe in family. And they have these values and then just say, “I just
have to have my family.” you know. They end up looking like the righteous one and
the leaver, looks like the bad one. It’s none of that.
It’s not that. We’re just programmed to be in our marriage is the way we were
programmed in our childhood to have a mirror. So if your father was a hot
tempered, you’re literally programmed to handle troubles with a hot temper,
blowing up. If you’re a shutdown person, you’re programmed by your father or
mother shut down emotionally, that’s what you’re going to do, you’re really going to shut down.
Little conflict comes bang! you’re just out of it. There’s nothing left. You can’t
talk about it anymore because the program says you can’t talk about it
anymore. You got to shut down and so we come in
to the to the marriage and we don’t know anything about these destructions. But
these are the reason they’re called programs. Just because a program is
pre-recorded and it’s always going to do the same every time you play it. That’s
why it’s called a program. Think of it as you know a program or an
instruction and so there’s an instruction inside of how do I handle
the conflict? Here’s how you handle conflicts right there in your subconscious
and the subconscious mind comes and goes boom! Here it is. This is the way you have to do.
This is how loud you have to talk. This is how mean you have to be, this is how
forceful, this is how you need this be scared, back off, whatever the instruction
is, that came from those first 10 years. And the sciences even though that the
synaptic connections of the brain are actually forming in those first 10 years.
They’re literally forming and being imprinted. Forming and imprinted. 550,000
you know, synaptic connections in a day you know. Amazing the science behind it
but that’s what we don’t want to think about that. We don’t want
to think that it’s there. We don’t want to think that it’s real. I talk to so
many people. I’ve done over a thousand six hundred one-hour interviews and you
know I’ve got the patterns from these people. Right. And these people are all in
public marriages I’m talking to. And so the patterns are over and over and over
again and when you see in here, these real stories. You see they’re like, “wow
okay, so the “chaos kids” is a real thing.” That’s what I call it. A chaos kid and
what makes a cascade, there’s abandonment abuse and neglect. Some form of some
combination of those three things and that I’ve you recorded a little chaos to
purpose scale. Chaos to purpose scale is your raise that that the purpose side
where your parents actually raised you to to be you know, kept values, have morals
and standards, loyalty, faithfulness, those are
standards that are come to you in childhood. If you have those when you go
into your marriage that’s what you fall back to. Hmm-hmm. Loyalty, standards that’s the way it needs to be.
That’s the he way we do it around here and if you look for a reason
a childhood chaos, I call that fifty to zero on the scale. Then you have
abandonment. Some form of it, some form of abandon and physical or emotional, some
form of abuse physical or emotional or some point neglect physical or emotional.
So physical and emotional abandonment, physical emotional abuse, physical
emotional neglect, look at the combinations you can produce in person.
Oh yeah so what happens? Does that person yeah you know goes through the 20s or
they marry in their 30s or whatever? What happens is the end of a marriage begins
the marriage, the license we get the marriage license and then what happens
is the the childhood programming comes to that person to actually demote people.
And then they go through troubles in life. Life troubles, money troubles
relationship troubles, health troubles whatever the troubles are. When those
troubles starts spinning, that’s the marriage tornado. I start speaking their
life and and just what happens now. The instructions come from the subconscious
that steers how to handle this trouble. Just like daddy. It’s just like mom did
exactly like. It’s like we hate that because now I don’t have freewill. I got
to do what my mother says. I got to do my father did. Yeah, yeah you do. Until you
become really aware. Until you actually talk about what happened to you together.
You’re not going to know you’re going to know. You’re going to pretend it never happened.
You’re like, “past is past.” No! past is not past it’s still with you. Still in
your subconscious mind just like a record and the records got an imprint,
you put the record on players, and boom! it all play. And that’s exactly how
marriages are. You know, I always say I can I can predict with quite a bit of
accuracy how long the marriage is going to last and and how it’s going to
collapse but how do I do that? Just by knowing what mom and dad did. That’s
pretty simple. If I know mom was depressed
throughout the daughter’s childhood, well what do I now know? I know that that
daughter is going to be getting depressed. Why? because the thoughts of
the mother are going to now become thoughts of the daughter. That’s pretty
simple. Now if the father was cheat, he had had affairs on his
wife and that little boy is getting that energy of cheating and disloyalty,
guess what he’s going to do? He’s going to attract women like a magnet and he’s not
even going to know how he does it. Why? because he’s programmed to be the slut.
And that’s just start the childhood. We can find that out before the marriage
but nobody wants to know that. Why? because we don’t want to think we have
no freewill. We don’t want to believe that. Like I
want to believe that I’m free to choose whatever I want to choose. I want to be
who I want to be. I just make my choices and I own my person. No, you’re
not. You’re not your own person. You know just thousands of people just prove it
over and over again. It’s not after you’ve seen the patterns enough, you know
it’s not going to be a surprise. This is the way we are. Here’s amazing
statistic. Well, the amazing to think that I’ve had hundreds of people in my
environment change of program and I have not had one woman married to a man from
a good home and what a good home is, is a mom and dad would stay married. Who enjoy
each other and they teach the kids a value system and talk to the kids and
teach the kids. So not one guy from that home. Not one woman from that home. No good homes. So every single person who goes through my program is married to a
person from a castle. Every single time. No, no expections. Wow. Like you’re
great, you grow up in a good home with mom and dad enjoy each other and give
you values and purpose and standards and morals. You don’t have a midlife crisis.
You just don’t have. Why? because it’s not in the subconscious mind. Larry, you’ve done a
nice job identifying what can destroy a marriage and in your experience, this
is very predictable stuff. I think I know you well enough to know also that there
is some element of choice that comes when you are aware of this and you’re
willing to do something differently about. Will handle that in an in another
video. But what I’m hearing, I think one of the main messages I’m hearing here is
to not be afraid of this dynamic. Let’s acknowledge it. Let’s
recognize that this is happening. That there is some programming and training
that has occurred and it’s actually okay to take a look at that and acknowledge it.
Yes then there’s a way to look at and we’ll talk about that next stuff and
the next installment. And Paul, I have a thing here this is my chaos… the purpose
scale. Oh yes and yeah this is available to people. So I want to read some
words off the chaos, the purpose scale to illustrate a good home programming
and troubled home programming. If we look at what happens in a purpose home? You get
morals, intelligence, social graces listening skills. You control your
emotions, you feel secure, you have self-confidence and you have a sense of
humor. Does that sound good? Well that’s good. Sign me up.
That’s what comes from great parents. Now what happens with troubled parents. The
trouble parents, now I have few morals. I have cruelty, I’m insensitive, I have
chaotic emotions, I’m self-absorbed, I feel unsecured, I feel uncertain and
in terms of humor I feel sarcastic. Okay all those positives
now turn in all these negatives and that’s what and then there’s a step by
step look at that what happens is what people do with that scale. They look at
and they start remembering their childhood. It’s like, “this reminds me of this, this reminds me of this and
started putting the stories together. And that’s what the chaos, the
scale was for. To get people to start remembering the stories of childhood and
what is the value of that? When we can start talking about the stories themselves,
the stories that powering in our subconscious mind, actually gets weaker.
What makes them stronger is complete ignorance. Complete darkness. That’s what
makes them really strong. But they get weaker. The more you shine, light them. The
more you talk about them especially talk together when husband and wife start to
talk about their childhood stories together, wow! that’s an amazing relief to
the marriage and the pressure of these dark messages. I love it. So
that’s really our relief statement there. Thank you Larry for
sharing that and folks, we’ll put a link in the description down
below where you can link to that chaos purpose scale and see exactly what
Larry’s talking about there. We’ll put that in the description. Okay. Okay
excellent. Well I think that’s a wrap on the first one.
You feel good about that? Yeah, yeah. Awesome! You got to be… You know some of
that stuff surprised me when I first heard it but it makes total sense
doesn’t it? If you’ve benefited from this today please share it. I saw standing in the street alone alone

2 thoughts on “What Destroys A Marriage?

  • I come from a bad home. My husband comes from a good home. Can I "re-program" myself. I do go to therapy. This video was very informative for me. Everything makes so much sense to me now. So thank you. Also, the fact that I'm not alone in being raised in a bad home is such a relieve.

  • Thank you for this gentlemen. It is helping me see myself and what I can do to begin a change…re-program. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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